a child's question: am I loved?

I have been reading a variety of books re: children and families in my spare time here and it is food for thought in a complicated world.

Little Princes is a book about children taken from their parents in Nepal and a man who is attempting to rescue them and eventually find their families. The children are amazingly resilient, but policies and politics and violence impact their futures daily…food, shelter, the most basic of needs. Some have no memory of parents, but were ironically so loved that they were given to what the parents perceived as a safe haven but was not.

Another, Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother is heartwrenching in its account of birth mothers of girls in China and the decisions and struggles they faced in their society as recently as the past few years. It was SOBERING and thought provoking, the loss, tragedy, and sadness. In China, there appears to be no chance of finding one’s birth parents (in the time frame of this book--through 2006 or so) because of policies and no records and no value placed on girls.

So many factors enter the picture with adoption, and small children who grow up to be big children ask and wonder and hope that the story of their life, from beginning to present, is one of love. There are as many different reasons for adoption as there are choices and thoughts of individual parents (on the birth and adoptive side). In our kids’ case, there were different factors (than those delineated in Chinese mother) that prevented them from getting the care they needed, and I realize that it is a lifetime journey to love children and teach them of their value and hope that they have enough inner strength to conquer the questions of “where did I come from?” or "was I loved?"

And truly, those are the same questions that all children have. As often as I labor in a child’s behalf and express my love, I still get the question, “Do you love me?” It is the same lessons and love that we strive to share daily, and oh, how important it is to communicate those messages fully, effectively, and impactfully.

Christmas season

December 5, 2011

Yesterday we went to Tom’s performance of the Messiah and Emma’s piano recital.  It was a great day; the Messiah was powerful as always.  Sam, of course, got tired (it’s 90 mins long) but literally within 5 minutes of being back in the car after it was over, I turned on my Christmas cd with a few Messiah songs and he and Emma just belted them out!!  Success, I guess.  It is so moving to participate in standing for the Hallelujah chorus, to hear the beauty of the orchestra, the power of the words.  I am so glad we have this opportunity to participate in Anchorage…to see it and make it part of our family’s life, a real blessing

Then to Emma’s recital.  This semester has been ups and downs with piano, mostly downs.  She likes sweet nurturing personalities for teachers, but I have felt we can stick this out for the semester (or year hopefully).  So she’s gone back and forth with setting piano goals, and when it is a goal, she does amazingly well at keeping her commitment.  For the recital, she was assigned a piece to memorize and began plodding through it.  She would practice right when she got home from seminary to get it over with.  It was a beautiful piece and to hear her play it at 7 in the morning is hard to describe.  It’s still pitch black outside, no one is really stirring at our house yet-Sam and Tom are still in bed, so the sounds of the piano waft throughout the house.  It was a special thing to hear. 

I’ve been trying to do an advent calendar where I put a slip of paper of something we’ll do in a stocking daily.  For the amount of work Christmas is to orchestrate (even when we try to simplify) it’s no wonder kids love it.  If I did a daily thing in all the other months (complete with gifts here and there, crafts, service, and all the preparation and planning that goes with that), life would be pretty fun.  But it seems like on the other hand, it would build up expectations that life should be like that-where someone is always paving the way with fun carrots and making things constantly festive.  Is that good or bad?  Does it create high expectations that I should be trying to implement other times of the year or can we call it good?  

We have yet to hear from the county magistrate in Taiwan.  Even our agency case worker is getting a little anxious and is evaluating who to talk to and what to say.  I try not to think about it too much, but we pray for them-the children and the decision makers. 

October 28, 2011  Friday

Still no word from the county magistrate in Taiwan.  I feel fine about things and more than anything, I am hopeful that we can find a place to live that will help our family thrive.  We are so unsure about buying, but renting a larger house will up the costs considerably.  We have been spoiled with this house, rent and neighborhood.  It has been wonderful.

heading into fall

October 17, 2011

The elephant in the room:  adoption.  It is coming along.  We heard a few weeks ago that only our name was passed along from the social welfare department to the county magistrate, who is the person who has actual custody on paper.  We were told 2 more weeks and then decision, and then on to a judge.  That two weeks has passed with nothing, although they did request our passport photos this past Friday, so I looked frantically for one that was missing.  I finally found it this morning, only with the help of Heavenly Father.  Meanwhile, Tom has been stressing a lot.  

September 16, 2011

The past few days we went to Victory Bible Camp north of Palmer for an IDEA retreat.  It was Tara’s brainchild, and it went over fabulously.  One of the speakers, a homeschooling dad, was so inspiring and had such a great message…just a reiteration of everything I sometimes already know but forget.  I wanted to record some thoughts before they go away entirely. 

One talk was titled Mentoring Genius, and it was all about helping our children in their pursuit of what they love and thrive at doing and learning.  It was so funny because I say I believe this stuff, but when it comes right down to it, it’s hard to live day in and day out.  As an example, we sort of eased into school a bit and Sam was chafing here and there.  One day, I laid down with him and read a few chapters of the Adventures of Odysseus.  He just LOVES that stuff; I stopped after 2 or 3 chapters and said we needed to get going on other things, and I really felt it…we need to move on to chores and math and so forth.  He said to me, “Mom, why do you want to do that other stuff now?  I want to learn about this; isn’t that what you want?”  And I thought to myself, of course that’s what I want.  What’s my deal?  So we sat back down and read for awhile longer.  There are so many areas I see this with him.  He’s been into building an air force base complete with towers and landing space (out of cardboard boxes and paper).  He thinks about it…how such and such should look.  So sometimes for whatever reason, my temptation is to say, get with the program in something else.  This isn’t valuable enough to spend your time on.  But it’s hands on, he’s mapping out things that he’s learned about from shows on military, discussions of planes  or whatever.  Maybe it’s not super high tech and detailed, but it’s where he is on the developmental scale, and he is CHOOSING to do it because he wants to.  So LEAVE IT ALONE and let him thrive.

I talked a lot re: adoption with a few ladies at the retreat.  Good times…the Taiwan agency had said they thought we’d hear this week, but  our case worker thinks that they were being overly ambitious, that it will probably be next week.  Fine with me…I feel like A LOT of things will need to kick in once we know for sure…where to live, major overhaul of our stuff, getting clothing and stuff for the kids and just those three things are enough to occupy me for quite awhile.

August 31, 2011

What are some of our successes in the past few days?

Exercise, meals, reading for the Challenger outing    I’ve made lots of headway on little chores and organizing stuff here and there.  It’s not EVERYTHING, but something and I just feel like I need to give myself a little credit.

Yesterday I listened to a great forum talk about learning and how narrative and experiental are the absolute best, but we mostly try to just skip straight to semantic (think memorizing).  It makes me relook at everything; why do I get so caught up in the checklist and thinking that information transfer is all there is.  I watch Sam and think of things he’s pursued lately…he planted flowers completely by himself and loved it-watered and cared for them completely.  He has been doing little build it projects with Ryan and Rachel.  He has enjoyed the Challenger stuff because it has real components to it.  Even beyond that, he loves hearing stories and books…narrative learning in all its glory.

I also had a great conversation with Tara the other day about schedules and such.  I asked how she does it…raising 5 kids, homeschooling etc, that I just feel like I should be having a better routine.  She basically said she didn’t have that either and what she does works for her family.  Some days they read in bed, others they jump up and head out.  They do chores and study etc  but it’s not all perfectly organized and planned.  So I am praying and thinking and reading about how to find rhythms that suit who we are, what needs to be taught and still always be growing and improving.  At least for today, that feels fine to me.  (We had gone with Tara and kids to Point Woronzof and saw a huge pod of beluga whales on a very gorgeous sunny day….great choice to head outside)

How do I want my birthday month to look?  How do I want to be?  A loving, generous, happy, patient person who is curious, interested, always learning, has faith and trust.  How can I become that person more?  Daily pondering and prayer, continuing to record and complete my tasks (but not necessarily obsessively-I tend to try to avoid the hard stuff)

It seems like us getting the sibling group is a foregone conclusion even though no one has said so; just their language indicates it’s going to happen.  We’ve been relatively busy-running around a bit-the last few days so I need to sit down and figure out the next few steps.

Do I ask for what I seek?  Do I trust Heavenly Father to answer my prayers?  Do I believe that what’s required of me (ie getting up at 5:30 for seminary?) will be just fine…it can be done and change my life positively.  It can all work together for my good, right?