alone time

A few days ago, Zhong-Lin was positively ignoring me pretty much every time I spoke. Some of this feels like normal kid behavior, other times, I wonder what is going on in that little head? I usually read and think things through a bit when I'm trying to figure out what gears need shifting, so I wasn't ready to act quite yet. A few days into this behavior, when everyone else went to Sam's swim practice, Zhong-Lin stayed home with me. We worked on homework and read some stories. He played on the Wii (the impetus behind staying home) and we played a few rounds of Go Fish. It was a warm happy night that doesn't happen often enough. And in the days since, he's listened better. I KNOW to invest in each child individually, but getting through the grind of the day sometimes gets me off track.

feeding the ducks

hard adjustments

we're just past nine months since our family almost doubled. Looking back, I try to figure out where the biggest struggles have been...what did we not anticipate? I think without question the adjustment has been toughest on Sam. He was so excited about adopting; even in Taiwan, he was wonderfully attentive and an adorable big brother.

Having 3 little people HOME, day in and day out, though, has proven pretty challenging. Add to the mix that he's hitting adolescence more fiercely than Emma did a few years back and you have a perfect storm of emotion. Of course, the "littles" demand (and get) a lot of time and attention--that's a given. So, there is jealousy. Then, there's the effort he does make to play with them that often ends poorly, with them getting hurt or him feeling offended. I'm sure it's not that different from regular families and sibling rivalry, but it has been mighty painful for us and him.

Thankfully, he is taking an online leadership course through Williamsburg Academy (wacademy) and has been pushed to ask hard questions of himself, and discuss WONDERFUL literature that stretches him mentally and emotionally. It's a positive, but still, we struggle.

One insight I had about a month ago was that I needed to spend GOOD PERSONAL time with him daily...whether to be an audience for violin practice or help with math or a listener. I rarely get the full amount of time that I wish for, but it does feed him.



Another freeing suggestion came from a mentor blog onethankfulmom. She talks about how all of a sudden, because of personalities and needs of specific kids, mornings had to undergo a change. Certain kids stayed in bed til 8, others got ready and left for the day. In other words, instead of everyone happily having breakfast together as a family, they came in specifically planned waves...which, as she said, was completely the opposite of how she wanted her mornings to look. Who thinks that the plan will be to keep family members separated? BUT, as we pass through this first year of adapting and adjusting, we are making whatever changes that will get us through, and hopefully, we progress, bit by bit. I think and hope he is finding his equilibrium.

tantrums and brain development

Tantrums...a less pleasant part of parenting, and I would say it's only been over the past few months that we've had more issues with them and one child. It usually seems to be about control, ie, if you don't let me be in control, I will scratch and kick and hit for a very long time. And in the adoption world, you have "time in," where you are present, instead of time out (which I am not sure I bought into anyway). But if you are present, you are fair game for a little pain.


In our case, the latest tantrum ended in not being able to go sledding. But even as that consequence became clear, the child cried off and on for another hour saying, "I want to go sledding."

"But, because of your choices (hit, scratch etc), you don't get to go this time." (repeat Many times)

No connection of consequence. It's not always that way, but this particular time, the cause/effect seemed to evade. And so, I read and think and test out what to do next.
Meanwhile, I came across a great adoptive parent blog called onethankfulmom that is a wealth of information. I'm sure the actual solution is somewhere in there, but in the meantime, I am reading a book she reviewed titled The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry.




illustration from: lfcc.on.ca

The author, a psychiatrist, describes through brain research and stories of children, how the brain develops. We always hear that children are so resilient, but he shows how, in fact, when they experience trauma, parts of their brain simply do not make the connections that normal children make. They are stalled, if you will, in a specific developmental place. For example, a neglected child who cries for food but doesn't receive it, does not connect that a cry will bring relief. So patterns of trust and empathy are not established.


a child's brain scotland.gov.uk

It's pretty deep food for thought...and I don't know factually the extent of what our children experienced, but I must behave as though there was trauma and try to understand what will heal them.

why all time sun come out and it still cold?

Spring came with a vengeance last week, 18 inches of snow over a few days just after some beautiful sunshiny spring like days. As I picked Zhong-Lin up from school, he asked, "Why all time sun come out and it still cold?" Well.....it's complicated! a globe, the sun, the earth's position.



Sledding is the all time favorite activity, evidenced in this video.
sledding

and we can't forget snow angels, but yes, they weary of it, being tricked by the sun to think warmer weather is here.


Emma had the brilliant idea of eating dinner on the mini trampoline on the snowy back porch and they relished that!


So, we wait....for "spring" to come.

flying a "kipe"

The kids came home from a stay at the fitness center child care room with a chick to cut out and attach an egg with paper fasteners. They worked on it diligently, and the next thing I knew, Zhong-Lin was attaching a string and calling it a "kipe." I don't know where it came from, but he was convinced he was gonna fly this chick. He found a shoestring on the floor and was out the door. The other kids were running around looking for suitable string while I was thinking, "Are you crazy? it's not a kite."



Thankfully, I didn't say it out loud because they were happy and active and running in and out, not hurting anything. They even came in and added wings because there wasn't enough wind.

After half an hour of watching this, I was reminded of a favorite parenting book, What Do You Really Want for your Kids? by Wayne Dyer. He writes of all the things we want for our kids...for them to be risk-takers, to value themselves, to be creative, etc and how mostly, it's us that holds them back. We are the ones who tell them it can't be done, or it's silly, or a waste of time. What I love about the book is how he goes through our adult behaviors that counter the very thing that we want for our kids...and then talks about how we change ourselves. So, reminder to self: let children believe and try and explore...don't be the voice that stops their belief in their abilities.

signs

I was at a local used bookstore the other day and found the MOST AWESOME book...More Chinglish by Radtke. Although I'm trying valiantly to REDUCE the number of books we have, this was a must! We had such a blast in Taiwan with the signage, and since this never got posted while we were on our journey, here it is...a year to the month when we first arrived in Taiwan.