the core

July 31,2011

Let’s see…thinking about how I want home to be and how to accomplish that.  A refuge, a place of learning and love, where we can become who Heavenly Father wants us to become, a place of happiness.  What can I do to accomplish that better?  How much are we really doing with our time?  It seems like it passes so quickly without us accomplishing much.  I look at what we could’ve or should’ve read or studied; how can we do differently and establish routines that serve the needs of everyone?

So I haven’t really reported since a week ago and I really am amazed at how things have progressed.  Tom has been researching on his own; I have done more to complete the home study—the 21 page Parenting Resource Plan—which took a long time.  It involved a lot of looking up resources, people, places and talking about how I would respond to various scenarios and what I understood about what kids have gone through before they get to an adoptive family.  Tom is there, I think.  He seems calm and unworried.  I wouldn’t have believed it could happen so quickly or easily.  He still needs to do taxes and then the home study can be written completely.  

July 23, 2012

Adoption-Tom and I went on a walk together Thursday night and discussed some thoughts.  Then Friday morning he stayed home for a few hours and we talked some more.  I had told our caseworker we would try to decide by Wednesday, which we did not do, so I felt I at least had to connect with her by the end of the week.  Basically, I have felt fine about it all…I do not know if that is simply the idea that I can love anyone and it is all good, that I do not need a big dramatic answer.  But Tom ultimately told me to tell her that yes, we were interested and would complete our home study with the goal of adopting these siblings.  I know he is not completely sure, and I completely agree that he needs that reassurance that this is the right course to take.  Just putting our hat in the ring does not mean we are guaranteed to have it work out for us.  Even when I called the caseworker to tell her, I was not excited, simply because we are not there yet in terms of feeling completely confident and sure.  I hope it will unfold as it should.  And even as I write that, I feel so silly.  Of course it will unfold as it should.  It is Heavenly Father at the helm; it is His work.  Sometimes I feel like a little child who needs to write 25 times, I believe God is in charge; He will guide our path.  I guess it is the test of my faith.  I say I believe here and there, but when it comes to my core…when it comes to this life changing event that we feel unsure about-in terms of the specifics…I question and wonder and doubt.  But in my core, I do know that Heavenly Father guides.  I guess I wonder if we, in our imperfectness, will see or will ask the right questions or recognize his guidance.  Will we know what He wants to tell us?  And it seems to be complicated to get on the same page with another human being, to both feel that we are in the same place.  I feel like I have trusted and asked in faith for Heavenly Father to do what only He can do in softening hearts and seeing clearly.   

So another thought I have been having, is where are we, where have we been, who are we today as a result of how our time has been used, especially the kids…what has come of our past ten years?  And when I think of parenting a new batch, what can or should I change?  What is not working, what needs tweaking?  Is it me more than anything that needs the tweaking?

July 21, 2011

Time for some more downloading.  The agency caseworker informed me earlier this week that the social services agency in Taiwan would wait for our home study to be done if we expressed a desire to adopt these kids.  She feels strongly that the kids should be placed with a family that already has kids and seems to want to advocate for us if that is what we want.  That was a surprise and now I am wondering if that peace and unconcern about letting go of those kids is because we do not have to let go…it may still work out.  I do not know;  I pray, I ponder and do not feel sure about any of it.  And regardless, it is not just me that has to feel sure; it has to be Tom too. 

July 16, 2011   


 It continues…this lack of distress regarding these little ones, and it makes me feel that there is more down the pike for us.  It seems like they are, but I do not know the end from the beginning. 

Other than that, I finished the 10 hours of training.  We still have to do the financial form and taxes.  I think that is about it.  Supposedly, with our family photo and brief information, the case worker can give that information to the orphanages she works with and everyone can be on the lookout for siblings of the description we seek.

July 15, 2011

So I wonder how it really works.  This morning we went to a doctor about some health concerns with one of the children in the sibling group.  It was eye opening; Tom was going dip netting immediately after the appointment, so we couldn’t talk much, but it was decidedly sobering. 

 I decided to pray and hope for insight into what is right because all along, I have said that I could let go of these 
little kids if they were not right for us.  I sat on the couch and read and thought and asked for help.  Time passed, and just before we went to leave for Jewel Lake, I checked my email and found an email from our agency caseworker in which she said that there was a couple interested in adopting the kids and their home study was done.  She left it open for me to fill out a little questionnaire to show interest although she was not sure if the Taiwan agency would take it.  I knew I could not say we were interested because at that moment we were more unsure than ever.  So, I decided I would wait til Monday since Tom is gone and I could not reach him.  Although I am a little sad, I am not completely distraught.  It seems amazing that 6 weeks ago, all of this began and on the very same day we had the dr appointment and were going to make the decision, that we hear of another couple who has stepped up.