summer's end

August 27, 2011

In preparation for a lesson, I just reread past journal entries from July when I was stressing about adoption and whether we were asking the right questions, getting the right answers.  At one point, it seemed that I was more like a child, needing to write 100 times “I believe God is in charge.”  I remember reading blogs of Christian adoptive parents and listening to songs that reflected faith.  The scripture I came across at that point was Psalms 26:1-3:   Judge me , O Lord; for I have walked in mine integrity: I have trusted also in the Lord; therefore I shall not slide.  Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; try my reins and my heart.  For thy lovingkindness is before mine eyes: and I have walked in thy truth. 

That verse captured many different emotions:  the feeling that my heart is/was right before God; that if He needs to try me, I will be worthy; that I trust in his ultimate plan to be brought to pass…or if I don’t trust yet, that I want to trust and believe.  It is powerful to be taught by Heavenly Father… and the Spirit can carry that message home in deep ways that help us know and remember the lessons He teaches us. 

It seems like us getting the sibling group is a foregone conclusion even though no one has said so; just their language (at the agency) indicates it’s going to happen.  We’ve been relatively busy-running around a bit-the last few days so I need to sit down and figure out the next few steps of the process now that the home study is done.                             

Do I ask for what I seek?  Do I trust Heavenly Father to answer my prayers?  Do I believe that what’s required of me (ie getting up at 5:30 for seminary?) will be just fine…it can be done and change my life positively.  It can all work together for my good, right?

August 21, 2011

So, thinking of how things are going.  I had thought so much of slowing the pace and having a better rhythm.  Anyway, it was a result of going to Fairbanks, visiting the Waldorf store (that emphasizes the whole child-working with hands, simpler lifestyle etc), and evaluating where we are with our kids and what I would do differently based on who they are becoming as a result of what we’ve done so far.  I came home, read and checked out books, thought and tried to change some things and after 2 weeks, all of a sudden, I wondered if there’d been any change at all.  It was like, over time, I had almost forgotten where I was trying to head.  Or the busyness of daily living took me off track significantly.  I can only think that daily reading/reminding and evaluation is the way to keep this very slow brain thinking about the issues that matter to me.  

I feel relatively unconcerned about the little threesome at the moment.  I have felt I should be praying for those who work with this decision and I am doing that/we are doing that.  I feel that it will happen; I hope I’m not wrong on it.  It will be completely and totally life changing on so many levels.  Peace during church, mealtime, clean up, bed time, busyness, and so on.  Do I overestimate my ability to handle this?  Will I rise to the occasion?

August 19, 2011

Anyway, our home study was resubmitted today, so it has to be approved, translated and sent to Taiwan where it’s supposed to take about a month for the agency there to choose who they would believe to be a good placement.

August 14, 2011

Trying to remain patient with this adoption process, but it can be challenging.  I know that a supervisor at the agency had a lot of feedback for our social worker re: the homestudy.  She then passed that feedback on to me, and it took me a few hours to relax after that.  Why am I not able to trust that things will work if they are to work…it will be okay, right? 

August 8, 2011 Monday

What a trip we’ve had.  We went to Fairbanks for the State Cup soccer tournament for Emma’s team, left Wednesday morning and returned last night.  The team, our family,  and the other chaperones stayed in the University of Alaska-Fairbanks dorms, and it was perfectly nice accommodations.  The girls played three games, one Th, Fri and Sat.  They lost the first two, maybe 5-0 or so (Cook Inlet and Fairbanks Eclipse).  The third game was against Rush, who we’ve played at least 4 times this season and lost every time, usually by wide margins.  But this time, our girls kept them scoreless…it was a tied 0-0 game which was like a win for us.  Seriously, everyone was so happy and excited; it was a real blessing to have the tournament end that way for us, to see them shine and really play the way they’re capable of playing.  They controlled the second half of the game and it was a pleasure to watch!

While in Fairbanks, I went to the Enchanted Toys store, a Waldorf oriented store, and it really set my mind to evaluating our home and what I want it to be like.  It’s a good time to look at that since the kids, at 10 and 14, are old enough for me to ask myself what we’ve done well or not so well.  We’ve been okay at:

Music     appreciation, some nature, some scripture,     exposure to other cultures (which I think led to acceptance and inclusion of others), less tv, cooking, decent read aloud, okay at family work…and maybe other stuff that I can’t think of.

Some areas that we could improve:

Handwork and simplifying, creative projects, fhe, Sunday observance, evening rituals, routines and rhythms.

I’ve been reading various blogs and thinking and wondering about the changes I can make personally.  I am happy to have the chance to reevaluate our lives and parenting and hope that this theme can continue in my mind and heart and bear fruit in observable ways.   I guess that store made me feel that I have neglected creative pursuits that I would love and enjoy (and thus my kids also) because I’m so busy thinking about school and life…but not getting anywhere with those either.  Thinking that x, y, and z matter in the “school” learning when I know that there are many ways to skin a cat…wanting to keep up with the Jones, but not actually doing it, just wasting my time thinking about it.  So, the solution?  Resolves for myself and my life-what do we need to do differently?  How can I live more fully and love life?  That is the second part of where my thoughts have gone…worry about my future.  I feel like I am often fairly non functional as a person…perhaps a bit depressed and lazy.  I can’t bring new kids into that and I’m certainly not doing Emma and Sam any favors either.   I guess I need to tackle a bit at a time every day (a bit of clearing out, working, playing, creating, cleaning).