January 2, 2012
I am trying to start a new year off well and it sure is hard to stay focused even for one day. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be patient enough to happily handle the changes that come my way, and of course, I know that that is a silly statement. We can always be more patient, more kind, more loving. There will always be opportunities for more growth, for the challenges that bring us to God and change us.
I read this blog of a Christian mother of six (wwwdotaholyexperiencedotcom) and wonder how I am so out of touch, so disconnected from what matters. I always want to change and grow, and that is continually a focus of my attention, but her blog feels different, less about me and more about God, less about more and better and more about humility and grace. It is a focus we seem to lose sometimes, not seeing the love and grace of a Heavenly Father who wants us not only to become as He is, but to truly rely on Him in our daily and hourly challenge, to really feel His power. How to do it? How to really rely, really change and grow, really become?
I thought in a more real way about the little ones in Taiwan yesterday and felt happy and excited and mournful for the time they have lost waiting for a home, and just the loss of a childhood. Well, I guess that is not necessarily true. Their childhood has not been lost, but it is lost to me; I cannot show them pictures and tell them stories of their growing up. They cannot capture those memories. I hope they will be able to heal from whatever losses they have incurred and I hope we will be able to love them fully, without reservation. It is always on my mind, what we want life to be like…how children can thrive and grow and learn and love. I have read so much in the holy experience blog, much about slowing down, really living in the present, not rushing children, giving them my present love and attention. What will it look like? A better routine and rhythm. How will I do it?
Yes, I am all over the map. I realized that with the internet, one can read and read and read and get so full of information that it just nearly explodes. It is too much too handle. So, I just had the thought that the solution is when I get an idea or thought as a result of what I have read, that is MY inspiration, my guidance from God, my next step. Take it, act on it and make it my own and then see what comes next.